


How Much You Love Him

by Nevergonbepresidentnow



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff, I have no idea how to tag, John loves Alexander, M/M, POV Third Person, Some angst, Wedding, alexander loves john, first fic, they have supportive friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 09:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10941450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nevergonbepresidentnow/pseuds/Nevergonbepresidentnow
Summary: 5 people in John and Alexander's life reflect on how much they love each other.





	How Much You Love Him

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic and the first thing I've posted ever! My writing is not the best but I'm hoping to improve it. 
> 
> There is some mention on gay conversion camps so if that triggers you please be careful. It doesn't take place at one and it doesn't go into detail but you can never be too safe!
> 
> Enjoy! French translations are at the end!!

1\. Martha hesitated before knocking on the apartment door. It had been years since she last saw her brother. The last time they saw each other hadn't ended happily. John came out to their father and he did not take it well. He screamed and threw things and told John to get the hell out of the house and never come back. Martha cried as she watched her brother pack up his things.

That was five long years ago. Martha was older and no longer under the control of her father. She was starting Harvard in a week and she knew that a stop in New York to visit her older brother was necessary. She wanted to see that he was doing well. She inhaled and knocked on the door. It swung open almost immediately. 

"Marty!" John screamed as he engulfed her into a huge hug, picked her up, and swung her around. "I missed you so much, oh my god. You're so grown up. You're so beautiful now."

"Hey Jacky, it's good to see you too. Everybody misses you. I wish you'd go home to visit."

He frowned and Martha immediately regretted what she said. "I wish I could Marty, you know that. But I can't. He would never let me."

Martha gave him a sullen look.  She wished Henry Laurens could accept John for who he was. It caused pain for everybody in their family, including Henry.

 "Come on in, there's somebody I want you to meet."

"What? Who?"

"You'll see. Alexander! Come out, she's here!"

A short man with long, dark hair walked out from the bedroom and smiled at her. Martha thought the room might have gotten a smidge brighter when he smiled. He had deep dimples. He was lean, muscular, and handsome.

Well, Martha thought to herself, John sure knows how to pick them. 

"Martha this is my boyfriend Alexander Hamilton. Alex, this is my little sister Martha."

"Hey Martha, I'm so happy I'm finally getting to meet you. John is always going on about how great is little siblings are," Alexander said as he shook Martha's hand.

Martha shook his hand in return. "I'm glad I get to meet you too."

John led them both to the living room. Martha sat on a velvet armchair while Alex pulled John down next to him on the couch. Martha grinned like an idiot as she watched John blush but lean into Alex anyways. John looked happy. He deserved to be happy after everything he had gone through. Martha saddened at the fact Harry, Jemmy, and Mary Eleanor couldn't be here to meet Alexander. She wished they could see John this happy.

"So Martha, John told me you're going to Harvard. That's impressive." 

Martha smiled at the praise and shook her head. "Yep, I'm studying chemistry then going to med school. I want to be a pediatrician like our mom was. You know, Jacky, Mary Eleanor started art classes and she's actually really good for a seven year-old. She said she wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up." 

"That's awesome," John sighed. "I wish I could visit them. Mary Eleanor probably doesn't even remember me."

Martha shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Um, well, no she doesn't know who you are. She knows she has a brother named John who lives in New York but dad won't let us talk about you around her. I'm sorry Jack. You would love who everyone's become." 

John immediately tensed up. "I hate him so fucking much, son of a bitch. What kind of psychopath doesn't let someone visit his own siblings? He's the one who's going to burn in hell. I hope he does."

Martha cringed at the way John's voice rose in volume and the way he clenched his jaw. He was fuming and his eyes looked like they were on fire. Martha could remember John's terrible anger issues. They got worse when their mom died. She vividly recalled John storming home after his team lost a football game. The broken vase and the hole he left in the wall. She remembered his stomping up the stairs after an argument with his girlfriend Martha Manning. He had slammed his bedroom door so hard the walls shook and Mary Eleanor woke up crying. Martha shuddered when she thought about John striking the dinner table. Screaming at her with fire in his eyes after she asked him why he broke up with Martha. While she knew he would never hurt her, John's blinded anger scared his little sister half to death. Martha glanced up again to see Alex squeeze John's hand. 

Alexander laced his fingers with John's and kissed him gently on the cheek. "Calm down John, baby, it's alright."

And just like that, it was over. John relaxed and the fire in his eyes went out. Martha stared, dumbfounded, as she watched John lean on Alex's shoulder. Alex kissed him on the top of the head and whispered something in his ear that Martha couldn't hear. 

Nobody could ever calm John down. Once he got angry that was it, he was too far gone and nobody could reel him back in. Not Henry Laurens or any of the Laurens siblings. Not his girlfriend Martha Manning or his best friends Tadeusz and Nathanael. Not even their mother. When John got angry everybody should keep out of his way and hope nobody got hurt. No human being on this planet could bring him back into orbit. 

But that's what Alexander just did, Martha thought. John was smiling and laughing now and suggesting they get Chinese food for supper. John must really love Alex if he was willing to drop the topic of his father and go on like it didn't happen. He must have had it bad for Alex if a simple kiss on the cheek stopped him from going into a fury filled rampage. 

Martha realized how wrong her father had been about John. The way he looked at Alexander like he hung the moon and stars every night wasn't disgusting. Martha watched her brother smile at Alex like he was made of gold. How could something that made her brother so happy be an abomination? She realized her father was the disgusting one. She wished that someday, somebody would love her that much. 

 

2\. Washington typed furiously on his laptop. Desperate to get his work done before the weekend. The staff at his magazine, The Patriot Weekly, were working frantically. Scrambling to put together next week's issue.

It was a special issue all about immigration and refugees. Everybody was working hard and long hours to get the issue ready by Tuesday when it would be released. This issue had been in the works for a long time. It was especially close to the hearts of several of Washington's employees. One of the said employees approached his desk nervously. 

"Alexander, is everything alright?" 

Washington knew he shouldn't pick favourites among the members of his staff. However, when he thought of valuable employees, Alexander Hamilton always crossed Washinton's mind. Alexander is the head of the investigative journalism department. He was a hard worker. Washington always gave him the most difficult assignments. He knew Alex could handle them. For this issue, Alexander had interviewed hundreds of immigrants in the city. He included details about his personal experience moving to the United States and pages from his journals.

"No sir, everything is fine. Well, not really. I, um, well, I was wondering if maybe, possibly, I could have next weekend off. If we're too busy I understand but I already finished my assignments for the next three weeks. Burr said he would keep an eye over my department but you know Eliza and Nathaniel won't need any help and-"

"Alexander, slow down." Washington cut him off. Alex always talked too much, especially when he was nervous. "You realize you get the weekends off? You're the one who insists on coming in almost every Saturday morning. Even I don't come in on Saturdays."

"Yes sir, I know, I mean next Friday and Monday."

His boss stared at him incredulously. Alexander Hamilton wanted to take not one, but two days off? What had gotten into him?

"It's okay if I can't. I'll cancel my plans, no big deal." 

"Why do you want to take two days off? You never take a day off?"

Alexander squirmed. "Well, John's little sister Martha is graduating from Harvard. It's a big deal to him because he loves her more than anything. Also, his dad is going to be there and they've been talking the past few months but he hasn't seen him in like, nine years. I want to be there for him."

In all his five years of working for The Patriot Weekly, Hamilton never once asked for a day off. He was here on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, New Years Eve, and Martin Luther King Jr. Day. The only time he didn't work was when the office was locked and nobody was allowed in. Hamilton forced himself to work even when he was sick. Washington recalls one day when he dragged Alexander home coughing and throwing up.

John's little sister was graduating. That's why Hamilton wanted a couple of days off? Washington and his wife Martha had eaten supper a few times with Alexander and his boyfriend John. John Laurens was a successful architect with one of the city's most famous firms, Hoban-Garnier LLP.  A talented, intelligent, compassionate young man. Nobody could deny the way he felt about Alexander. Watching them together in the same room gave that away. But Alexander must really love John if he was asking for time off work. George always assumed that his work was the most important thing to Alex, he was beginning to think he was wrong. Washington was happy to be wrong for once. 

"Alexander, of course you can take two days off next week. Hell, take the whole week off. Need I remind you again that you get three weeks paid vacation a year. You haven't used any of that in the five years you've been working here."

Alex smiled. "Thank you so much sir. I'll go call John now and tell him, he'll be so happy."

The way Hamilton lit up when he mentioned John made his boss's heart swell. It reminded him of his wife and how they fell in love. Closing his laptop, Washington dialed his wife's number on his phone. He wanted to see her and hear her voice.  George found himself hoping Alexander would always love John the way he did now. 

 

3\. Lafayette sighed, watching John pace across the floor. He had been like this for hours, checking his phone every few seconds. Soon, he would be entering full blown panic attack mode. 

"Mon ami, calme-toi s'il te plait. Alexander will be fine, he always is."

"He's never gone this long without checking in Laf, it's been two weeks. God, I'm so worried about him."

Alexander was currently undercover gathering information for an article about gay conversion camps in America. He already spent two months at a summer camp in Colorado Springs and went on a four month retreat in Pheonix. This time he was spending six months in Kentucky on a farm in the middle of nowhere.

While he would never admit to John, Lafayette was nervous too. He read on the camp's website it was a 'spiritual, faith-based therapy retreat,' designed especially for men with 'unnatural thoughts and urges.' He had read stories on chat logs and support forums about people who went to this camp. He had read about the cruel treatment the "patients" got. The brainwashing, the trauma, the terror they endured. This was too real for John. This wasn't just another one of Alex's risky assignments, Alexander was bisexual. He had 'unnatural thoughts and urges.' Lafayette knew John was terrified Alex would come back changed or get hurt. 

For the past six months; Lafayette, Hercules, Eliza, and Peggy took turns sleeping on John's couch to keep him from going crazy

"He told you when he left there was barely any service up there. You were warned he wouldn't be able to talk to you often."

John shot a harsh glare at Lafayette. "You think I don't know that. I'm so fucking stupid. I shouldn't have let him go Laf. Should've told him to stay put. I don't think I can put up with this much longer. He's always gone, putting himself in danger for the sake of his job. It's too hard. I constantly feel sick and every second of every day I spend worrying about him. Every time the phone rings I think it's somebody calling me to tell me he's dead."

Lafayette touched John's shoulder to comfort him. Alex always strived to be the best. He took on risky assignments nobody else wanted. Pretending to be potential investors to expose corrupt corporations. Working in a cookie factory for nine months where they were using maggot infested flour. He pretended to be poor, living in public housing to report on the conditions of the program. However, no matter what kind of situation he was in, he always called John at the very least, every third day. 

"John, t'inquiete pas. Alex is a professional, he know's how to handle himself."

"I know, but that doesn't make me worry any less. When he gets back I'm going to kick his ass for putting me through this."

I'm going to kick his ass for putting me through this, Lafayette thought to himself. Every time Alex was gone, Lafayette was there to keep John from going crazy. Picking up the pieces everytime John fell apart. 

"It's been seven years of this constantly, Lafayette. When he comes home I'm telling him I can't live like this anymore. He'll have to choose between me or his work. I don't care if he writes the gossip column for Star or the Sex ad Relationships section for Cosmopolitan, as long as he's safe."

Alexander loved his work, but not more than he loved John. Lafayette knew when faced with an ultimatum like this, Alex would choose John every time. To his surprise, Lafayette heard a sniffle from John and without warning, he was sobbing. 

"Shh, shh, John, mon ami. C'est okay. Alexander sera bien. Il t'aime plus que la vie elle-meme."

John whimpered sadly. "it's just so hard."

How long had Lafayette known John? Since middle school definately, when Lafayette moved from France. Never in all those year could Lafayette remember John crying.

He could remember him being angry. When they were teenagers he would often go off in rampages. He was suspended from school several times for fighting and mouthing off to teachers. But Lafayette could never recall him crying, let alone sobbing like he was right now.

Not when he failed eleventh grade english or when his father kicked him out. Not even when his mom died did John shed a tear.  John must really love Alexander. Because Alex brought out another side of him. He had destroyed the part of John that held all his fears, insecurities, internalized feelings about masculinity, and shames. Lafayette never would have imagined John Laurens would be sobbing into his shoulder because he was so worried about his boyfriend. 

What was it called when the mere thought of losing somebody close to you made you break down? When you spend every second of your day worried about them. What describes putting yourself through torture for seven years to support your boyfriend and all his dreams?

Love. Lafayette pondered, John is so in love with Alexander it's almost frightening. They would do anything for each other. 

A loud, frantic knock on the apartment door made John jolt upright and yanked Lafayette from his philosophizing. "I'll get it mon ami, stay here. It is probably Hercules with the food."

Lafayette opened the door and was relieved to see Alexander Hamilton standing in front of him. Dishevelled and shaking from a lack of sleep. His eyes were wide and bloodshot. Lafayette glared at him. 

"I hope you know how lucky you are to have John. He's a saint for sticking  with you after all the stress you bring him." 

Alex didn't get a chance to respond because John was knocking Lafayette out of the way and engulfing Hamilton in a huge embrace. He kissed him desperately, holding him tightly like he would vanish if John let go. 

"Oh my god Alex, I missed you so much. I was so worried about you." More tears were freely flowing down Laurens's face. 

"John, honey, please don't cry. I know I worried you, I'm so sorry." Alexander held John in his arms. "I'm back now and I'm alright, nothing happened to me. There was no service where I was and they wouldn't let me out of camp. I didn't get an interent single until last night. I contacted Washington and told him to get me out of there right away. I wanted to surprise you."

John was still sobbing as he hit Alex lightly in the chest. "I hate you but I love you so much. Please never do that again. I won't survive it Alex, I mean it. I can't keep living like this."

Alex pulled John closer to him and rubbed comforting circles on his lower back. "Baby, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize how hard this was on you. I was so selfish. Don't worry sweetheart, I swear to you this is my last undercover assignment. I'll work somewhere else if I have to." Hamilton kissed his boyfriend again, this time much more softly, reassuringly. 

Lafayette watched his two best friends and felt nothing but adoration and happiness for them. He gathered his things and smiled as Hamilton mouthed a 'thank you' in his direction. Lafayette had been right. In any decision where John was involed, Alex chose him everytime. 

 

4\. Thomas Jefferson never considered Alexander Hamilton a friend. Did he tease Hamilton playfully every opportunity he got? Yeah of course he did. Did he always have Hamilton's back when their boss John Adams was going off on him? Jefferson guessed so. Did Thomas ocassionally offer Hamilton relationship advice? Well, he was doing just that at the moment. But, Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson were not friends. They would deny it until there dying breath. 

"John's so scared of committment Jefferson, everytime the topic of marriage comes up he closes down and shuts me out entirely. It's okay that we've been together for ten years but if it's down on paper that we're going to be together forever he'll freak out." 

"I was scared about being tied down to one person for the rest of my life too. Then Martha came along and-"

Hamilton cut him off, "Jesus Christ Jefferson, I know, you love your wife. You've told me a gazillion times but it doesn't help me." 

The older man rolled his eyes and scoffed at Hamilton. He did not constantly speak about his wife or how much he loved her. Only sometimes. 

"Well Alexander, what do you want from me?"

"Give me some advice. The older the wiser right?"

"Shut up. I'm not that much older than you."

"Are you kidding me? You're at least fifteen years older than me. I can see your crow's feet a mile away."

Jefferson scoffed again. "Do you want my advice or not Hamilton?"

Hamilton smirked but stopped his quipping. Thomas was silent for a moment as he considered the situation. 

"Do you love John?"

"What a dumb question. Obviously I do. More than anything."

"If you really want to be with him forever. If you really want to marry him, you have to be completely honest with him and tell him that. If he doesn't feel the same way maybe it's time for the two of you to go seperate ways. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. You're getting older and when you're my age you'll want to be settled down maybe with a kid or two, in a real house, with a life-long partner. If John can't give you that maybe you should look for somebody who can."

Hamilton rolled his eyes but considered this advice anyways. Even though he would never leave John no matter what, Jefferson had a point. He needed to be honest with John and tell him he wanted them to be together forever. 

"I quit my job for him, it stressed him out too much."

"What?"

"Before I worked here I worked at the Patriot Weekly. It was a good job, it paid well, and I loved the work. I was head of the investigative journalism department and I was undercover a lot of the time. He was always so worried about me, he told me he couldn't take it anymore so I quit. I didn't even think about it, I just left." 

"You gave up a lot for him."

"He gave up a lot for me too. But that's not what love is about. It's about what you give to each other, not what you give up for them."

Jefferson was surprised. He always thought Hamilton was self centered and only did what was best for himself. John really had a grip on him and even after all these years he still talked about him like a teenager did about their first crush. Jefferson reflected on the fact that the only person Alexander loved more than himself was John. 

"You know what Jefferson? Even though sometimes I think you're the devil in a human suit you actually give pretty good advice."

"Thanks for the compliment Hamilton."

"Shut up, that wasn't a compliment."

"Sure it wasn't."

 

5\. Eliza straightened Alexander's tie and gave him a one over, making sure he looked good. She smiled, proud of the person Alex had become. 

"Alexander Hamilton is getting married, I never thought I'd live to see the day."

Alex laughed softly. "Yet here you stand, at my wedding."

"I'm so happy you and John found each other. You've both been through so much and you deserve all the happiness in the world."

"I'm so happy I found him too Eliza. He's like the missing part of me. I've felt broken my whole life but when I met him I just felt whole, complete."

Eliza internally awwed and kissed Alex lightly on the cheek. She remembered the day she met Alexander. Fresh off the boat, scrappy, and hungry to prove himself; he was a mess. He got into fights constantly and slept around with guys and girls. He worked himself into the ground and seemed set on destroying any type of relationship he had. John saw past all that. He broke down Alex's walls and Alex never tried to rebuild them. Eliza was hopeful that Alex was finally content to stop fighting and just be. Anybody who looked at where Alex was and where he started would be proud of him. 

Eliza knew how much Alexander loved John because John had saved him. They had saved each other. They were two angry, lonely, insatiable, foolish little boys who found each other in this crazy world and they fit perfectly. It was beautiful, even though their souls were meant to clash, they didn't. The clicked together instantly and their was no seperating them. 

Shamefully, Eliza admitted to herself she had expected Alex to always be alone. The way he only cared for himself and was obsessed with leaving a legacy had freightened her. His ambition was scary and Eliza though one day he would get carried away and become Icarus, flying too close to the sun until he got too close and fell. When Alexander confessed to John all those years ago that he was in love Eliza was surprised. 

What a pleasant thing to be surprised about. 

She hooked her arm in Alexander's and pushed open the church door. "Let's go Alex, it's time for you to marry the love of your life."

**Author's Note:**

> French translations  
> Mon ami: My friend  
> calme-toi s'il te plait: Cam down please  
> t'inquiete pas: Don't worry  
> Alexander sera bien: Alexander will be fine  
> Il t'aime plus que la vie elle-meme: He loves you more than life itself
> 
> Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!


End file.
